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Love Doesn’t Hurt (Pt. 2)

10/28/2014

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Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Love Doesn’t Hurt (Pt. 2).   This segment is a continuation of the previous passionate relationship principle (PRP); this is part two of the PRP entitled Love Doesn’t Hurt.   As previously mentioned, safety is a requirement in any loving relationship; hence, the importance of making people aware of domestic violence (also known as intimate partner violence) and its impact.  When people are in relationships that are characterized by domestic violence, they may not even realize it.  It may seem obvious to those outside the relationship, but the couple in the relationship may not realize that domestic violence is what’s really occurring. 

So, what is domestic violence?    Well, in the State of North Carolina this is what constitutes domestic violence:  “ Under North Carolina law, domestic violence is ‘the attempt by one person to injure, stalk or rape another person with whom he has an intimate relationship’." 1   Every year In the United States 1/3 of the female homicide victims, were women who were killed by an intimate partner. 1


If you’re in a domestic violence situation and want help, call 911 or, in the Greensboro, NC area, contact the Family Victims' Unit, at 336-373-2331.   If you’re in any other area of the U.S. and need help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

 Domestic violence situations are often characterized by abusive acts used to exert power or control over another person.  Typically, there will be issues of power and control in the relationship before an act of domestic violence occurs. 1 

Here are some ways in which acts of power and control may be exhibited in a relationship (since the aggressor/abuser is typically male, you’ll notice the use of gender specific wording below) 2: 

Trying to intimidate her
Using the children to hurt her emotionally (e.g. threatening to take the children away)
Using emotional abuse tactics (e.g. name calling, humiliation)
Treating her less than because she’s female (male privilege) 
Isolating her (controlling who she can see and what she can do, especially isolation from family, friends, and support)
Controlling the money as a means to control her
He denies that his behavior is abusive
Using threats to control her

Questions and Actions
Do you know of anyone in a relationship characterized by domestic violence?  If so, are you going to share information and resources with them to help them? 

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Love Doesn’t Hurt (Pt. 2).  


Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)

#domesticviolence


References
1              Police Department, City of Greensboro, NC.  (n.d.).  Domestic Violence.   Retrieved October28, 2014, from http://www.greensboro-nc.gov/index.aspx?page=3705

2              Police Department, City of Greensboro, NC.  (n.d.).  Power and Control Wheel.   Retrieved October28, 2014, from  
http://www.greensboro-nc.gov/modules/showdocument.aspx?documentid=15328


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Love Doesn’t Hurt

10/27/2014

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Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Love Doesn’t Hurt.   In these segments we share information about passionate relationships and passionate relationship principles (PRPs) that allow loving relationships to flourish.  But before there can be passion, before there can be love, before there can be trust, there must be safety in the relationship. 


October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  Unfortunately, domestic violence is a horrifying reality for millions of people, primarily women, on a daily basis—not just in October.  Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence, is more prevalent than many people realize.  Thirty-three percent (1 of every 3) women and twenty-five percent (1 of every 4) men will be physically harmed by the person who claims to love them. 1    Over the course of a year, approximately 10 million people will experience physical violence from an intimate partner. 1

If you’re in a domestic violence situation and want help, here is some helpful contact information:  In the Greensboro, NC area, contact the Family Victims' Unit, at 336-373-2331.   If you’re in any other area of the U.S. and need help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Love Doesn’t Hurt.   

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)
#domesticviolence



References
1.  National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (2014). National Fact Sheet.  Retrieved from http://www.ncadv.org/files/Domestic%20Violence%20Stylized--GS%20edits.pdf



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Ladies, if you're happy about the relationship, he should know it

10/22/2014

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Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Ladies, if you’re happy about the relationship, he should know it.  

Ladies, in the last segment we asked the guys to assess if they were happy about the relationship, and if they are, does it show?  Well, Ladies, today it’s your turn.   In order for the relationship to be one in which both of you are happy, it’s important to examine the level of satisfaction that each of you has about the relationship.   

 Questions and Actions

Ladies, are you happy about the relationship?  If you’re not happy about the relationship, have there been some aspects of it that you have been please with in the past?  What was special about those times?  Did they occur recently or in the distant past?

On the other hand, Ladies, if you are happy about the relationship, he should know it.  How do you communicate to him that you're happy about the relationship?  If you thought you were showing him that you’re happy about the relationship, is that the message that he received, or did he get a different message from what you said or did?   

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Ladies, if you’re happy about the relationship, he should know it.  

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)
#relationships #happylove

 


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Guys, if you’re happy about the relationship, she should know it

10/21/2014

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From the Man Cave, today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Guys, if you’re happy about the relationship, she should know it.   

Guys, today’s PRP is not so much about what we do, but about our wife’s response to it.   So, if we are happy about the relationship, especially if it happens to be a time that we are celebrating a special occasion, like an anniversary, Valentine’s Day, or her birthday, it should show.   If our wife says things like, are you happy about our relationship?  This is a clue that even though we may think that we are showing her that we are really happy about the relationship, that’s not the message that she is getting from our words, our body language, or our actions.    Guys, if she sees you getting excited about other things but not about your relationship with her, she may be left to wonder, at least at times, how happy you are in the relationship or how important the relationship is to you. 

Questions and Actions: 
Guys, is are your happy about your relationship?  If so, does she know it?  How do you know? If not, have there been aspects of the relationship that you are happy about?  What are those aspects and why are you happy about them?   
      
From the Man Cave, today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Guys, if you’re happy about the relationship, she should know it.

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)
#relationships #communication


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If you're calm when talking, your mate hears your message, not your madness 

10/16/2014

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Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: If you're calm when talking, your mate hears your message, not your madness.


Today’s PRP is about us, not our mates.  It’s about what we can do to enhance our relationship and empower ourselves.   In any long-term relationship there will certainly be times when there are disagreements.  There will be times when spouses are upset or frustrated with each other.   But if you want to have a relationship in which both of you are satisfied with the way that you talk to each other (one of the key factors that long-term, happily married couples have in common),1 you’ll have be able to use techniques that enable you to communicate calmly-- the vast majority of the time-- in spite of difficulties that you may be experiencing.  But the first step is to recognize that you have the power to choose be calm when communicating with your mate.  Although that may sound like a simple concept, it is a very empowering one. 

So, if you’re able to remain calm when talking to your mate, in spite of personally frustrating challenges that you may be experiencing, your mate is more likely to hear what you’re saying, more likely to hear your message, than your madness. 

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: If you’re calm when talking, your mate hears your message, not your madness.

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)
 #relationships #communication

Notes
Passionate Relationship Principle (PRP): If you’re calm when talking, your mate hears your message, not your madness. 


1.  David Olson, Amy Olson-Sigg, and Peter Larson, National Survey of Marriage.  The Couple Checkup: Find Your Relationship Strengths (Nashville: Thomas Nelson,2008)


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Your Spouse is not Your Emotional Dumping Ground

10/14/2014

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Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Your Spouse is not Your Emotional Dumping Ground. 

Today’s PRP can greatly enhance the satisfaction that you and your mate get from your conversations.  This PRP is especially powerful if you’re going through a very difficult time.  For example, if you’re not feeling well, or having some health challenges; if you’re stressed at work; or if you’re experiencing financial stress, this PRP will help you to communicate in a loving manner with your spouse, or at the very least interact with courtesy and respect.   And when you’re really stressed, that can be difficult to do. 


Very often when people are stressed, the natural reaction is to lash out at those who are closest to them.  So, how do you know if you’re lashing out at your spouse?  How do you know if you’re using them as an emotional dumping ground?  If your purpose for talking to them is to try to get rid of your negative feelings by transferring those negative feelings to them, then you’re using your mate as an emotional dumping ground.  If your goal is to try to dump your negative feelings, and the negative energy associated with them, on your spouse then you’re using your mate as an emotional dumping ground.   This type of communication tends to create distance in the relationship.  But couples who have long-lasting, loving relationships tend to have conversations that bring them closer together. 

The last time you were extremely stressed and spoke to your spouse about what was bothering you, were you transferring the negative emotions that you were feeling to your mate?  Did your conversation push your spouse further away?   Or, did you share your thoughts and feelings in a way that allowed the two of you to feel closer, without your mate feeling that they were being emotionally dumped on?

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Your Spouse is not Your Emotional Dumping Ground. 

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)

#relationships #communication 
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When Bringing up a Challenging Topic Consider the Environment

10/13/2014

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Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: When Bringing up a Challenging Topic Consider the Environment. 

Making use of this PRP is one of the ways that you can show care for your spouse.  It’s also a great way to show that you have discretion—you know how to respond appropriately and adapt to the environment.  So, if there is a challenging topic, or if you’re  upset about something and the two of you happen to be a function or get-together with your spouses’ co-workers, you can show great care for your mate by not bringing up the topic in that environment.  By choosing to bring up that challenging topic at a different time it also shows that you have the ability to use discretion.  It demonstrates that you are aware that brining up a challenging topic while your spouse in trying to interact with their co-workers can have a negative impact on their personal and professional reputation. 
 
When you’re considering bringing up a challenging topic, here are some things to consider: (1) Will this discussion have a negative impact on my mate’s personal reputation?  Will my spouse be seen in a negative light as a result of what I might say?  (2) Will my spouse’s professional reputation be negatively impacted by what I am considering saying?  (3) Will it impact the promotion that my mate is being considered for? 

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: When Bringing up a Challenging Topic Consider the Environment. 

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)

#relationships #communication  


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 Is it Fair to Bring up This Topic Now?

10/10/2014

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Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is embodied in the question: Is it fair to bring up this topic now?

Making use of this PRP is one of the ways that you can show care and respect for your spouse.  Certainly, when there are challenging topics that you want to address you want to ensure there is enough time to do so.  But, this principle goes beyond determining if there is enough time to discuss the topic.  There are some topics that a couple may only need a few minutes to discussion from a very logical perspective, but because the topic is an emotionally charged one for either the husband or the wife, sufficient time and care needs to be considered.  For example, as he was walking out of the door this morning John told Susan that he thinks they should wait a few more years to have a child.  Susan, was getting ready for work, but then stopped and became frustrated.   Although they had not talked about children recently, Susan was under the impression from the last few talks that they were going to try to start a family soon.  So, while John is at the office now.  Susan, who actually started getting ready for work before John is still at home and she feels as though in announcing that he wants to postpone having children, John has been unfair.  She feels that it’s unfair for two reasons: (1) that’s not what they had previously agreed on, and (2) she feels that he dumped this very difficult, emotional news on her and left her there to deal with the emotional aftermath by herself.  She feels emotionally abandoned.  Although the roles could have been reversed, with John wanting to have children now and Susan wanting to wait, or the scenario could have been different, the point is that it’s important to know your spouse.  When you’re considering initiating a talk about a potentially emotional topic it’s important to ask: Is it fair to bring up this topic now?    Will my mate be able to process it now?  Will we be able to process it together? 

 

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is embodied in the question: Is it fair to bring up this topic now?

Dr. Simon – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)


#relationships #communication 



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Keep an Open Mind

10/9/2014

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Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is Keep an Open Mind.    There will inevitably be times when you are talking to your spouse and you’ll make very hasty judgments about what they’re saying or what you think they’re going to say.   Sometimes after your spouse has said only one word, you’ve determined that you don’t want to hear what they have to say.  Maybe they mentioned the name of the neighbor that you despise.  Maybe they’ve mentioned some political issue that you’re upset about.  Maybe they’ve mentioned some task that you promised to complete, but you haven’t even started on it.  Sometimes a spouse can make a judgment about a topic that leads them to having a closed mind on the subject and not listening at all.  There are of course times when is natural, and even reasonable.  But, if it happens frequently there may be some other things that should be examined.  If this happens frequently you may want to consider implementing today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) Keep an Open Mind. 

Is there a topic that your spouse has brought up several times that would enhance your relationship, but you haven’t been willing to discuss it?    What would happen if you listened with an open mind? 

Dr. Simon – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)
#relationships #communication 


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Tools from the Man Cave for the PRP - Conversations Build Friendship (Part 2)

10/8/2014

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Today’s topic is Tools from the Man Cave for the PRP - Conversations Build Friendship (Part 2). 
In a previous segment we discussed the topic Tools from the Man Cave for the PRP - Conversations Build Friendship.    This is a continuation of that segment ; this is part 2.   Men, the previous segment reminded us that women tend to have a greater need for conversation than we do.  But, also conversation is an important tool that is used to build friendship and connection, which create the foundation for a passionate relationship.  Since many women have a greater need for conversation than their husbands, it is understandable that at times there will be frustration regarding the high need for communication that some women have as opposed to their husbands.  It’s important to remember that through her conversation, she strengthens the foundation of closeness and friendship in the relationship. 

 From the Man Cave: (tools for the men)

 Men, the challenge that we often face is that, we typically don’t need to have as much conversation to feel connected. Two tools from the Man Cave that will be most helpful to us are patience and awareness.  You’ll need patience to listen, and not zone out or interrupt, as she is speaking.  You’ll need awareness to remember that she needs the conversation with you.  It’s a necessity, not a luxury.  Your relationship is worth it.    

As your precious lady is talking, during some of those long conversations and your eyes begin to glaze over—wondering when she’ll be finished, try to remember that sometimes she’s not really talking about issues related to work, the children, finances, or dinner plans.  What’s she really saying is, I want to feel close to you.

Have you and your wife had any conversations recently in which you could tell that she was really trying to connect and feel closer to you?  On a scale of 1-10, how patient and attentive are you when you wife is speaking? 

Lastly, Guys, I think the following scripture sums it up well:
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; (James 1:19 ESV)

Dr. Simon – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)

#relationships #communication #husband #wife 


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    Author

    Dr. Simon Whittaker
    is a  relationship  and sexual integrity coach,  and former host of the Radio Talk Show Relationship Fridays.  He helps singles prepare for their ideal relationship and helps couples enhance their relationship. He also and serves as a recovery coach specializing in addressing lust, porn, sex, and love addiction.  

    The Blog - 
    After examining national research of long-term, happily married couples by Olson, Olson-Sigg, and Larson (2008), we are presenting  powerful tools in the blog.  I will be focusing on one of the important characteristics and give specific tools and principles that you can apply immediately to enhance your relationship.   Whether you are single and want to prepare for a great relationship someday or married and want to ensure that your marriage is as fulfilling as it can be, you’ll find these principles to be valuable.   After all don’t you want your relationship to be passionate?   

    Teleconference audio files can be accessed by clicking on Services then Podcasts. 

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