Blog Archives

Boundaries First, Love Second

11/18/2014

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Boundaries First, Love Second

Boundaries, as described in some of the previous segments, are your guidelines for how people interact with you, for what you determine to be acceptable or unacceptable behavior. I would certainly be among the first to agree that love is vital in any long-term relationship, and certainly in marriage. However, without boundaries love cannot exist.

Men, in your marriage there should be boundaries regarding the words that you use when speaking to your wife. Of course if you use abusive or derogatory language in speaking to her, that would clearly not be within the boundaries of a loving relationship. Ladies, if you were to speak to your husband in a way that emasculates him, that is also not within the boundaries of a loving relationship. In both of these cases, you can expect the relationship to be severely impacted.

In order for your relationship to thrive, love is an important ingredient, but boundaries come first—love comes second!

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Boundaries First, Love Second

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)

#boundaries, #lovecpr,

Comments

Boundaries are the Precursor to Intimacy

11/14/2014

Comments

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Boundaries are the Precursor to Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is a level of interaction that allows a couple to be truly close. Emotional intimacy provides each person with some very special benefits that would not be possible without this important component. Emotional intimacy is a state of being in the relationship in which you can comfortably share your true feelings and emotions. You can be yourself. This may sound like something that all “good” relationship would have, but this aspect is missing in many dating and marriage relationships.

But before emotional intimacy can be developed, boundaries have to be established, honored, and respected. Honoring boundaries is not something that happens overnight. Once your spouse has developed and shared their boundaries with you, they will be able to determine over time if their boundaries have been honored and respected. If your spouse is able to see that you have honored and respected their boundaries, usually over a long period of time, and if you are able to see that your spouse has honored and respected your boundaries over time, then you have true emotional safety in the relationship. Once you have true safety, then emotional intimacy can occur. People don’t talk much about boundaries, but if you want to ever have emotional intimacy in your relationship boundaries are vital, because boundaries are the precursor to intimacy.

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Boundaries are the Precursor to Intimacy

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)
#boundaries, #intimacy

Comments

Boundaries are Necessary

11/13/2014

Comments

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Boundaries are Necessary. Often when you think of boundaries, you think of how they might be helpful with people who cause problems for you: the rude coworker, the disrespectful relative, or the inconsiderate neighbor. But boundaries are even more important for the relationships that are most important. Boundaries are just guidelines for what you determine is unacceptable behavior. When other people treat you in a way that is within your boundaries—acceptable behavior—the relationship can flourish. When people interact with you in a way that is outside of your boundaries—unacceptable behavior—the relationship cannot flourish and will either dissolve completely or dwindle to situation in which you find that you are nothing more than acquaintances.

Questions and Actions

What are your boundaries? What types of behavior are you unwilling to tolerate in your relationship? Knowing what your boundaries are allows you to communicate them to your spouse upfront. This information is not used to threaten another person, it’s an opportunity to be grownups and know what the rules are so that you really can grow old together.

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Boundaries are Necessary.

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)

#boundaries, #love

Comments

Boundaries? . . . What?

11/12/2014

Comments

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Boundaries? . . . What? When you get married, you and your spouse are no longer two, you become one. The Bible says it this way: “The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, ' for she was taken out of man.   For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (New International Version, Genesis 2:23-24). This implies that the marriage relationship should have precedence over the relationship that the husband had with his parents, and it should take precedence over the relationship that the wife had with her parents. The married couple is now a unit, and regarding major decisions they are to work together as a unit. Ideally, they work as a unit in practicing their faith and worship, in raising and instilling values in their children, in their finances, and developing a vision and goals for their family.

The married couple, the husband and wife, is one flesh regarding many things, and their relationship should take priority over their relationships with other people. But, both spouses still have individual strengths, weaknesses, attitudes, behaviors, preferences, choices, likes, dislikes, and values. Boundaries are used to help ensure that each person can be in the relationship without losing themselves. As suggested by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, if you are in a relationship and you find that someone else it trying to control your feelings, attitudes, preferences, decisions, choices, and personal values, your boundaries are being violated. 1   If your boundaries are violated on an ongoing basis the relationship is bound to fail because, either you will be so miserable in the relationship that you’ll have to end it, or you will become so resentful of someone trying to change or control you that you will be miserable. Boundaries provide safety so that both spouses can enjoy individual safety, love, and security, while also providing for the couple to experience safety, love, and security. They protect the couple and the individuals.

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Boundaries? . . . What?

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)

Notes:

1.      Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life (Michigan: Zondervan,1992)

#boundaries, #commitment

Comments

Become an Architect of Emotional Intimacy

11/11/2014

Comments

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Become an Architect of Emotional Intimacy. This is a principle from the Man Cave; it is presented from a perspective that men can more easily identify with. Concepts such as emotional intimacy can be very difficult for men to understand. However, men can identify with the idea of building something, like building a dog house, a deck, a bookshelf, a table, a storage shed, etc. When discussing building projects such as these, men can identify with the idea of starting with a blue print, and taking on the role of an architect. Well, here we are discussing something much, much more important than a book shelf, or even a house. No matter how large, elaborate, expensive, or luxurious a house is, it’s just a building. Lots of famous couples go to court every year, after their marriages dissolve, to determine which spouse is going to get the house and other possessions. Men, with today’s PRP you get to be the architect who designs your interaction with your wife so that you can build a relationship with emotional intimacy. You know you enjoy building things . . . so, Guys, let’s build something that really matters, let’s build something that we can really be proud of, let’s work with our wives to build strong marriages—they’re counting on us.

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Become an Architect of Emotional Intimacy

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)

#emotionalintimacy, #love

Comments

Your True Feelings Determine Your Interaction

11/4/2014

Comments

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Your True Feelings Determine Your Interaction

As we talk about the importance of being able to express your true feelings, some people may wonder why this is important. Why is it important to express your true feelings in the relationship? If your true feelings are positive and loving your interaction will follow suit and be positive and loving. But, if your true feelings are not positive and loving, the negativity of those feelings will impact the relationship. Talking about those feelings with your mate can be one way to address them. It may be that you do have positive loving feelings for your spouse, but right now you may be frustrated about a very specific situation that you are having trouble reconciling. Sometimes people think they can figure out how to fix their relationship without involving the other person. Almost as if one spouse is going to go up to The Mountain and talk to God and get all the answers about how to fix the person they’re married to. Sometimes the obvious solution is the best one. Sometimes just talking to your spouse about that fact that you don’t have positive feelings about them right now may open a great dialog and restore the closeness—even if it doesn’t happen overnight.

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Your True Feelings Determine Your Interaction

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)

#communication, #love

Comments

Feelings aren’t Facts, but the Importance of Feelings is a Fact

11/3/2014

Comments

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Feelings aren’t Facts, but the Importance of Feelings is a Fact

In relationships men tend to be more comfortable discussing thoughts, as opposed to feelings. So, after work, as John and Susan are talking about their day, John might talk about the project that he is working on, sharing facts primarily. But, he’s probably less likely to talk about how he feels as a result of working on the project. Susan, as she talks about her day, may be more detailed and more likely to share feelings or emotions associated with the day’s activities. But, for both John and Susan it’s important that they share their feelings about the things that are important to them, and if those feelings are shared with their spouse, it can enhance the relationship and the marriage.

Although feelings aren’t facts, the importance of feelings is a fact. In a national study of marriage, the 6th most problematic area for couples was that one spouse wanted their mate to share their feelings more frequently. In fact, the issue occurs so frequently in marriage that 82% of couples face this concern.1   So, feelings may not be facts, but the importance of sharing feelings is a fact.

Questions and Actions

In thinking about a recent event that both of you participated in, how did it make you feel? Where there feelings that made you feel vulnerable?   Did you share those vulnerable feelings with your spouse?

Today’s passionate relationship principle (PRP) is this: Feelings aren’t Facts, but the Importance of Feelings is a Fact

Dr. Simon Whittaker – The Relationship Doctor at Center for Passionate Relationships (CPR)

#emotionalintelligence, #feelings, #love

References

1              David Olson, Amy Olson-Sigg, and Peter Larson, National Survey of Marriage. The Couple Checkup: Find Your Relationship Strengths (Nashville: Thomas Nelson,2008)

Comments

Author

Dr. Simon Whittaker
is a relationship and sexual integrity coach, and former host of the Radio Talk Show Relationship Fridays. He helps singles prepare for their ideal relationship and helps couples enhance their relationship. He also and serves as a recovery coach specializing in addressing lust, porn, sex, and love addiction.

The Blog -
After examining national research of long-term, happily married couples by Olson, Olson-Sigg, and Larson (2008), we are presenting powerful tools in the blog. I will be focusing on one of the important characteristics and give specific tools and principles that you can apply immediately to enhance your relationship. Whether you are single and want to prepare for a great relationship someday or married and want to ensure that your marriage is as fulfilling as it can be, you’ll find these principles to be valuable. After all don’t you want your relationship to be passionate?

Teleconference audio files can be accessed by clicking on Services then Podcasts.

Boundaries First, Love Second

Boundaries are the Precursor to Intimacy

Boundaries are Necessary

Boundaries? . . . What?

Become an Architect of Emotional Intimacy

Your True Feelings Determine Your Interaction

Feelings aren’t Facts, but the Importance of Feelings is a Fact

Author

Archives

Categories