​As we approach the fourth of July, Independence Day, we have an opportunity to reflect on and appreciate the independence of the United States from Great Britain. Of course, since this blog is about relationships, I have to ask Do you experience independence in your relationship? Maybe a better question is, should you have independence in your relationship?

Healthy relationships are a result of people being together because they want to be, not because they have to be. They don't have to be with each other, instead they want to be with each other. Each of them has enough emotional independence (they're not needy), so they can give to the relationship; they are in a position to give and not just take. When each person has enough independence (emotionally) then they are in a position to receive from the other person and also replenish their partner by giving emotionally. So, interdependence is only possible after each person has sufficient independence.

Just like the U.S. had to become independent of Great Britain before the U.S. and Great Britain could work together as allies. So, this Independence Day, are you and your partner working together as interdependent allies?

As February comes to an end and spring is around the corner, it's time to start thinking about spring cleaning. As you look through your closets, what are some things that you don't use or need any more? What about the shirts that you haven't worn in over 2 years. I have some of several that I haven’t worn in the last 2 years.   Why do I keep them? Because I'm used to seeing them there.
When I go to get dressed in the morning, I'm used to seeing them, and ignoring them, and skipping over them, and finding a shirt that I actually want to wear.  I know, when I hear myself say that out loud it sounds crazy. 
It's time to start thinking about spring cleaning. At the end of March I'll share a little about what I've gotten rid of.  Some of the things in my closet will be hard to let go of, but I know it's time to get rid of them. Getting rid of some of those items will probably have an emotional impact on me. 
Relationships also need to be examined to see what things may need to change to enhance the partnership. I'm thankful for God has given me such an awesome wife, and the opportunity to examine things in the relationship that no longer fit us.  Then we can be even happier, and I can continue to grow in learning to be emotionally present and emotionally intimate.  This is tough stuff, especially for men.  But, the marriage is worth it, and the beautiful woman God has given me deserves it.  ​

​Valentine's Day is typically a wonderful time for those who are dating, engaged, or married.  The days leading up to it are often full of anticipation.  But, what about the days and weeks after Valentine's Day?  It's been a week, or more depending on when you're reading this post, since Valentine's Day.   So, how are you feeling?  Is the love and excitement still there?  Or, if you[re like I used to be, you might be thinking: "Thank goodness that's over.  I won't have to deal with that for another year."  I used to feel so much pressure to try to express my appreciation, to make Valentine's Day special.  I've learned that every day is an opportunity to express my appreciation for my wife, my Valentine.  These days I don't feel as much pressure to make Valentine's Day special because I try to put more emphasis on appreciating her on the regular days.   Today my appreciation for her was in the form of picking up dinner so she didn't have to think about what to fix for us, and taking the kids outside to play so she didn't have to deal with mommy guilt about the kids being inside all day.  So, beyond Valentine's Day is today and tomorrow.  Have you expressed your appreciation for the one you love today?  How will you express your appreciation and love tomorrow?   

​Valentine's Day is less than a week away.  It's a special time to show our appreciation to our spouse of significant other.  If there's a special present that you wanted to get, hopefully you're already got it.  If not, you may not have many choices left.  A lot of the typical gifts that you would give for Valentine's Day are going to be in short supply as we get closer to that big day.  But, the most important thing is that you remember to show your appreciation to the one you love in a way that is meaningful to them.  Saying that you have been thinking about your loved one, without expressing your appreciation in a way that can be seen or experienced, is not how they want to remember Valentine's Day.  Love is more than words. Love is about action --love is a verb. 

Making a commitment to spend time together is certainly an important goal. Couples that want to maintain a strong relationship, typically have activities that they make a commitment to do together.  Then they make a commitment to do those activities together.  I know it sounds very unromantic, but if necessary schedule the activity in your calendar.
Here are a few examples of activities to bring you together, strengthen and maintain your relationship:  

• A meal together (preferably dinner).  This is a powerful one for your relationship, especially if you have the TV and phone off. 
• Date night weekly (it might be going somewhere or it might be dedicated time together at home without any interruptions - no phones or work)
• Church weekly
• Walks together (twice a week or more)
• Back or foot massage (weekly)
• Dreaming together (planning future goals and dreams as a couple and family) monthly

Making a commitment to a great relationship requires more than feelings, it requires love, and love is verb.  So take the action!  


Dr. Simon Whittaker

So, how's it going with the relationship goals? During this time of social distancing with others and 24/7 close contact with immediate family, tensions are really getting strained. Some couples have realized that one of the reasons their relationship was so good is because they were able to spend 8-9 hours a day away from each other. When they arrived home after work, it was nice to be able to spend time together. For those couple who always wanted to have more time to spend together, this time of Covid has forced changes that have made it possible for some of them to have the time together that they always wanted (because more people are working from home).
Let's face it. No matter how much you may love someone, you still need some time to yourself. Of course if you don't spend enough time together, it's difficult to build and maintain a strong relationship that can naturally provide companionship, support, and comfort.
For 2021 don't think either-or ( either I have to choose me or the relationship).
Instead think both-and (both of us will commit to spending time together to strengthen our relationship and I will also commit to spending some time focusing on me so instead of losing myself in the relationship I will be able to be fully present in the relationship).

Ah, a new year--2021. It's a great time to think about the goals for the new year. Of course at work you have goals. Sometimes the goals are very specific, such as to get a certain number of sales if your in marketing. If you in a different area of customer service your goal might involve get a certain number positive reviews or comments about your work. If you work in a production area, like producing parts in a factory or producing graphics as a designer the goal might be to create a certain number of items. For some people the goal might be to just keep the job that you have. For others it might be to get a better job.
So, why should you think about goals for your relationship? Because relationships are dynamic, they're constantly changing. Sometimes in small ways and sometimes in large ways. But they constantly change. If you want to ensure your relationship changes for the better, you will want to have relationship goals that enhance and strengthen it. You'll be glad you did. ​